she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
