Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
