I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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