i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
