Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize