1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
