just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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