Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
