I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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