Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize