you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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