I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
