he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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