Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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