mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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