He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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