so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Please don't give away my fajitas
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
