Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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