yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
