If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize