Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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