im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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