my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
