Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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