guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
