Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
