We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
