I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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