a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
