i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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