i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
