Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
