You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
