maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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