i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
