The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
