Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
