My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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