its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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