I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize