I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
worst night to have a conscience
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
