I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
