So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
