Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
