I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
