I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
