omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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