My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
