I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
