birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
