Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize