dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize