Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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