remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
