I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
