Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
