i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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