I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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