his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
