good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
